apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Randomize
