is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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