Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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