At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
