please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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