census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
