I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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