I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize