a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
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