saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Randomize
