My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
