Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
