So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Randomize
