i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
