I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Randomize
