1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
Randomize
