I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
