Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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