you have to choose: penises or morals?
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
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