Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize