Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
