is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
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