I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Randomize
