Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
