i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
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