someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
