I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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