I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Randomize
