I met the friendliest cop last night
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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