And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
