Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize