it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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