i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
