The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
