just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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