were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
