i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Randomize
