rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
