Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
