I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
