I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
be right there i have to get my cape
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
