just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Randomize
