what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
