I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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