EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
The cops high fived after they tackled you
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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