My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
