Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
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