He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Randomize
