I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
