If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
