I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
false alarm, still single
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
