Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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