Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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