my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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