he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
