is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
