Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
