Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Boobs are out for the taking
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
