WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
