There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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