Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
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