My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I am naked and annoyed.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Randomize
