walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
